91. the one with the harrystyles fanfiction

doing a bit of procrastination desktop spring cleaning  recently…

me: oh dude look what i found in “folksy listings 2014”

 me > anna todd

Friend: bear with me, i’m currently just seeing a big grey square

 sorry for the crushing disappointment when you sort out your pixels

---

 

back in the Ago, Friend – alerted me to the fact of fanfiction being A Thing.

i mean, i was vaguely aware, obviously, because 50 shades of sparkly vampires.
but Friend told me about someone who was about to make bajillions from writing stories about Harry Styles.
i didn’t know that was A thing.

i was vaguely aware of Harry Styles, obviously, because i remember him being the adorable kid off of one direction when they were on xfactor that time.
but i’ve been legit blissful ignorant about whatever happened next.

i thought real actual human person fanfic sounded incredibly intrusive and very impolite…

however, here was Friend telling me about a career potentially faaaar more lucrative than stitching miniature zombies for a living!
*dollar sign eyes*

and oh, i know enough top authoring skills to write about what you know.
i started typing furiously…

---

wrong direction.

chapter 1

i flicked my hair out of my eyes and dragged my gaze away from the windows, back to the book in front of me. it was a glorious day out there, sunny and still, but i was stuck here in the local library, working on my tigers project for school.
i’d better get this shit done. i sighed, pulling the encyclopaedia closer towards me. the musty smell of volume T mingled with the clean, fresh smell of the air conditioning unit which was a constant low hum in the relative silence of the library.

“tigers are classified in the genus Panthera with the lion, leopard and jaguar,” i wrote into my exercise book.

i stole another glance at the bright wall of windows, anticipating the moment i’d step out of the artificial coolth of the building and into the Hot beyond.

“Tigers have muscular bodies with powerful forelimbs, large heads and long tails,” i copied “The pelage is dense and heavy…”

pelage? wtf is a pelage? i groaned and pushed my chair back, now I’d have to go back to the reference section and find a dictionary. 

i glanced around the room. it was practically deserted. hardly surprising on a day like this, i thought to myself, but where were the other kids from my class? i couldn’t be the only one trying to get my tigers assignment finished before mondays deadline?

i’d just crouched down, the weighty tome of the oxford english dictionary randomly flipped open on the floor in front of me, when someone gently touched me on the shoulder. i spun around in surprise, struggling to keep my balance on the balls of my feet. strong arms grasped my upper arms and pulled me to my feet.

“oh em gee!” i gasp-exclaimed.
no way. no fucking way.
“omg, harry styles off of top boyband one direction, it’s you! why on earth are you in the reference section of my local library? lol”
i could feel my face flushing at my instinctive involuntary fangirling. fuck.

he smiled and shrugged sheepishly, releasing my arms from his firm grip. “i need to make a photocopy of some of my songs for a pop concert tonight. i keep forgetting the words,” he paused, his coloured eyes holding mine, “but i can’t work this machine. i don’t suppose you could help me?” he asked, hopefully.
“of course i can, harry styles.”
i smiled reassuringly, and took the a4 sheet of proffered paper.

haha! aw…
…i know that edward cullen has black or amber eyes depending on his dinner. and i’m aware that christian grey’s are GREY!
but i’m sad that i was too idle to google harrystylses eyes.

anyway, no doubt it’s about to get hot af in the reference section *thumbs*, so let’s keep reading…

“shhh! no. talking.” the low, stern tone of the librarian cut into my/our < something > as she peered around the corner, scowling at us.
she was a miserable old dragon of a woman something something.
his back to her, harrystyles grinned and winked conspiriorilyyl at me.

turning back to the copy machine, i lifted the cover and placed harrystyles’s paper facedown against the glass. i leaned over and pressed the green button.

“what’s your name?” harrystyles whispered to me, leaning in so close i could feel the warmth of his breath against my neck.
“louise,” i whispered back. outwardly i thought i sounded calm, but there was another big bubble of OMG about to explode in my chest.

“so what’re you doing here?” he enquired, his head tilting slightly to the left, like a cute curious puppy, “why are you at the library on a saturday?”
“ugh,” i responded, rolling my eyes in mock-exasperation, “i have a biology project that’s due on monday. tigers. i’ve hardly even started it.”
“oh, that sounds cool. i like tigers,” he smiled, and looked me up and down, “ yeah, tigers are cool.”

gargh! knowing what i know now, he probably would’ve *rasped* that last line. and smirked. his GREEN eyes flashing lustfully.

i snatched up the page as the copier spat it out, handing it to harrystyles with a flourish. his hand brushed mine as he reached for it, and i felt an almost physical jolt pass between us. eye contact again. that smile. those dimples.
i was going to lose it any second.

i turned back to the machine to retrieve the original.
from behind me again, and right into my ear, “ur hair smells really good, louise.”
i paused. my hands flat on the copier as i took a deep calming breath and willed my knees not to buckle and betray me. harrystyles was in my local library. harrystyles was standing right behind me. harryfuckingstyles was huffing in my ear.

i took another steadying breath and turned back towards him.
“hey,” he asked, “d’ you wanna go to costa and get a coffee or something?”

 

---

*meanwhile, back on facebook messenger*

OMG!
where is the next chapter

i know, right?!! Husband called me for dinner
right when he asks if she wants to go to costa, so
WE’LL NEVER KNOW

i need to know. 
I NEED TO KNOW DAMNIT.

have you thought about putting
it on tumblr?

i was thinking about wattpad?
but i’ll have to change harryfuckingstyles
to tomfuckinghanks
or whoever is currently relevant

i’ve signed up for a wattpad account
and am lurking ready for you

ok, tomorrow!

i’ll be here with my emoji reactions
i’m so excited
i’m very much looking forward to you 
becoming my favourite author

“to Friend, for always having faith in my 
authoring”
^^ front page dedication done

i had a brilliant idea earlier: homes under
the hammer fanfic. you can have that one.

see also: escape to the country fanfic

---

*current(ish) day*

 

rewr?

“d’ you wanna go to costa and get a coffee or something?”

“umm,” i hesitated, taking in his lilac neckerchief.
“um. no thanks. i really have to finish my tigers project.”

the end.

 

90. the one with the very important business of pricing

when i first started making & selling my work, years ago now, i found pricing a fucking nightmare.
on all the helpful websites, there was the formulas of: this plus that, plus a decent hourly wage. and then you times by something and then double it. complicated mathsmaths.

there were the lovely friend-colleagues & customers who understood that i didn’t learn free motion embroidery off of a youtube video one day – that i’d actually been sewing since Ago, plus i’d suffered through an entire degree at Embroidery University.
they thought i should charge more. <3

but there were also the Angry People who insisted that by not obeying the law of mathsmaths formula, by under-charging, i was doing an evil disservice to everyone who’s trying to earn a proper living from making. i was reducing its worth. *tut*
they thought i should charge more.

<tbf, they’re probably doing something a lot more commercially viable than me.
because show me the person who will pay £324623mathsmaths x2 for a handmade embroidered bookmark, and i will show you an emperor with no clothes who probably doesn’t read paperbacks anyway>

it was all SO CONFUSING and i tried all manner of combinations of advices.
but, finally, after all these years, i have it figured out! …or do i?
AND IT’S SO SIMPLE! …or izzit?

1. bookmarks.
this month i’ve been scribbling & fiddling, updating some old designs; like these fancy zombie ladies with their fresh florals for spring 2018.

^ as ever, when it came to actually cutting out all the teeny tiny bits, i realised i was being mental. it took a good 5 hours just to get all the microscopic parts snipped & in place ready for stitching.

then each little lady took an hour to embroider, with all the stop/start of the intricates. roughly one bobbin per beauty. that is a lot of stitching-metres.

but it didn’t matter because IN THE ZONE,
being ON FIRE
CUTTING ALL THE TINY THINGS! EMBROIDERING ALL THE TINY THINGS!

<… that night, 3am: shoulders & neck ACTUALLY *on fire* from Too Much hours of best sewing angle contortion-ry… morphs into migraine…. delirious kicky-feet fever dreams…
what was i thinking oh i hope i still have time to make bunnies for easter maybe i’m having a stroke god i’d kill for a cup of tea right now why am i visualising the floor plans for a house i looked at on right move yesterday maybe i should start charging for materials what if i AM having a stroke what was the name of that guy who was in that film we watched  … 
lose sunday & monday lying on the couch with a migraine hangover and very closed eyes. >

tuesday: right. back to work!
bookmarks. and wtfpricing.
so far, each one has taken… rounding down… approx. 3 hours. “SO FAR.”
and what even *is* minimum wage these days? mine should be less because pyjamas and netflix. but also, mustn’t forget commission, listing & selling fees…
hmm.
well.
what if i price them at £15? that’s like £5 per hour. ish.
that seems like a fair price for a special bookmark?

it doesn’t take long to make up the finished item, so i’ll just disappear that half hour(ish) from my mathsmaths formula.

^ as ever, when it came to actually pinning, backing, cutting, measuring, sewing, trimming, turning, pressing, topstitching, pressing again, i realised i was being a mathsmaths-stupidstupid. Y, it only takes an hour to make up a couple… but i was not making “a couple”.
idiot.

another 2 bobbins and a day later…

18x beautiful and/or very spesh freehand embroidered bird / sheep / zombie textile bookmarks all ready to be photo-ed & listed for sale. once i’ve decided about prices.

i still don’t have a fucking clue what i’m doing.

***edit: bookmarks are available here fiona t.

89. the one where it’s suddenly 2018

< time passes >

suddenly! it is 2018 and i have a 3 year old border collie called cassie.

everything is different now, everything has changed.
but last week, we were back here again

and i was pleased to note
that, actually, everything is the same.

^ me & annie (2013)                                                ^ me & cassie (2017)

everything is different, but everything is the same.

^ annie (2009)                                                           ^ cassie (2018)

88. the one with no bathroom

i can’t decide where to bathe this evening.
too many options!

here?

or here?

or here?

fml.

87. the one with the bathroom – part 1

(subtitle: “the one where the bathroom does not occur.” in fact, i’ll hardly mention the bathroom at all)

a few years ago i painted the landing outside our bedroom.
typically, the job was never really finished because the shelf didn’t want to go back on the crumbly walls, and with nowhere to stack overflow books (we have a system), we just stuffed things into the cupboard, crammed it into boxes, progressed to “tidy piles”… before it inevitably deteriorated into a general dumping area for everything.

if only there was some way of fixing that shelf to the wall
*dreams*

…

meanwhile, we’d booked the builders to come and sort out our bathroom.
much excitement! for the first time we were paying actual proper professionals to come and do an actual proper job – no personal faff or injuries or lengthy incovenience(s).
i knew i couldn’t keep up the sewing part of my life if i couldn’t potter about in Clean & wash my hands obsessively throughout the day, so i decided to shut down for the month BACK IN FEBRUARY.
and because, hey! that’d give me time out to sort all the crap on the landing and fix the shelf!

and
i might as well be thorough with the 40 years worth of “treasure” that needed sorting
i might as well paint the wooden cupboard as i’ve been wanting to do for years
i might as well fix the hairline cracks on the old plaster
i might as well give the walls a fresh coat of paint
while i’m at it.

fucked thwarted at the first hurdle.
“hmmm. now where might be the small tin of wood primer, i wonder”

1. stupid, annoying little things that can wrong… for eg, i’d done far too good a job on that damn cupboard the first time round – so smooth and glowing with wax, it wouldn’t take a coat of paint despite litres of thinners and all of the sanding.
careful application of masking tape to protect the precious carpet stripped lengths of new paintwork off when it did adhere.
the hinges no longer fitted when i reconstructed the thing.
let alone the doors.

2. being my own worst enemy… for eg, adding additional hurdles. oh hey, the shed’s a bit of a mess after 12 years of hoarding every building supply ever, let’s hire a skip and spend the entire weekend clearing it out so we can go inside of the door again.
oh hey, since i’m in painting mode anyway, shall we buy that chest of drawers for the bedroom that we’ve been talking about forever?

3. everything just being awkward… for eg, not having anywhere to work… apart from on the floor beside and/or at the foot of the bed, woodwork arranged on top of lengths of christmas wrapping paper so we could drag sticky wet painty things aside and step over the towers of stuff-from-on-the-landing crap just to get into bed at night.

…

meanwhile, additional surprise hurdles
“hi, your new front door is fiiiiiiinally ready to be fitted”

^ the “after” picture is the one on the right. the one where the door isn’t entirely held together by mould, daylight & gripfill. just in case you weren’t sure.

excellent! i’ll get started on painting the door as well then…
…and while that’s drying, i might like to paint the chimney alcoves in the bedroom before arranging the new chest of drawers…

*chaotic frenzy of doing all the things at once* <– incidently, this is the moment i decided i ought to start blogging again :)

so as march whooshes towards its end and i’m itching to get back to my sewings;
the door is mostly painted, inside & out. (but not the frame. that is for next month maybe)

the bedroom is clean and painted and there is 7% extra storage space

the landing JUST NEEDS A F**%ING SHELF and for my daddy to please come and rehang the cupboard doors so they open and close like they used to before i had one of my stupid Good Ideas.

to summarise then; all i had intended to do this month was fit a shelf that was strong enough to store a few books and comics upon.
FURTHERMORE i was only doing that as a filler job while the builders were here constructing my new bathroom.

to be continued? *hopeful*
:(

86. the one where i stopped. and then start.

on a day by day (or hour by hour) basis, during regular normal life, my ‘mazing mood swings look like this

and for the most part, i enjoy the ride.

but when actual depression takes hold, i get stuck under the horizontal axis of the graph, thus:

everything and nothing conspire against me and i’m trapped, tap-tapping along the bottom there, still looking for a way back up but… exhaustion, apathy, irrational thoughts, agoraphobia…

then! magical anti depressants:

i’ve been bouncing off the meh-line for the last couple of years which has been good
(like, who/whatever had been standing on me finally climbed off.
like, doing simple tasks didn’t take all day every day nor require every bit of willpower and stamina that i had.
like, having a rest from the crazy so i could just get on and do *something*)
and it was also useful, as most of 2014 was dedicated to end of life care for my beloved anakin collie.

anakin was my very best pal and constant companion during the last 15+ years, so to say 2014 was “hard” is an understatement. also, Husband ‘n i had put Eveything Else on hold, so 2014 was some kind of miserable limbo.

wait, it wasn’t like everything was shit! there was happy times and plentiful good things and so many extraordinary kindnesses – but it was haaaaaaard. and ever so limbo-y.
and after she died, everything was weird and different and peculiar for a long time
(*ongoing*)

but 2015 arrived and for ages my graph has mostly been like

which was getting kinda boring and so very frustrating because
2015!
spring!
possibilities!
things occurring!

so i’m taking a chance off the pills

and i’m looking forward to feeling things, and getting on with all of the things, new & old, because
2015!
spring!
possibilities!
things occurring!

but i will miss this special face every day <3

“ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too” – bubbles, off of the wire.

85. the one with the mummies

mummies “the journey”
**as always, this is not a “how to” or a tutorial so please do NOT share on m**$*%effing pinterest. thankyouplease :)

for a while there,  i had to take myself off into internet-seclusion due to ongoing personal kerfuffles.
i find that just sitting in front of the telly, “not working”, is usually the best time for coming up with new ideas. and with no orders or other projects going on at the moment, i was able to keep playing and tinkering with these until they were just as my brain had described them to me.

i’d doodled some veeeery rough ideas back at the beginning of the year… for valentine’s day, mother’s day and easter… never knowing if i’d find time to develop them further
terrible drawings

(i’ve sneaky-pixelled out the easter things ^ just in case i get to them, and the valentines day pandas – which i was super happy with – are long gone. i never even blogged about them because there are only about 3 hours in the day at the moment)

romantical valentine’s pandas

the next stage when i’m making something new, is endless fails.
if i was sensible, i would just draw the detail onto fabric with biro while i work on shape & construction (thus saving all of the cutting, sticking & embroiderering hours).
but i’m 1. not sensible, and
2. unable to visualise things exactly until they are right there in my eyes & in my hands

lumpy long legged fail mummies

after that stage, it’s back to the drawing board.
many, many times.

super technical final drawing

next i build a “rough copy” that i’m happy with…
first mummy 

*whispering* at this stage i sometimes like to confer with my art-friends.
“is this rubbish? i think it’s funny and good but what if it’s rubbish? is it a crap idea? …and should i go with multi coloured bandages or keep it traditional?”
it’s good to have a small, trusted group that – for just 18p! – will give you honest feedback & suggestions before you unleash potential insanity onto the internet :)

next, i spent a fun day ruining my best pyjamas in the pursuit of the perfect hand dyed corpse colour50 shades of grey-blue (or, 8. 8 shades of grey-blue)

and then just 4837457989 hours later, presto! 4 dress rehearsal mummies embroidered, sewed, stuffed ‘n wrapped!

kerfuffle circumstances allowing, i’ll be starting work on a small batch of these this afternoon so that they’re ready in time. of course, mummies are for life – not just for mother’s day.
**edit: there are still a couple available here

84. oh, hello 2014. here so soon!? giveaway (NOW CLOSED)

overall, 2013 was really rather good :)

every time my glass got half empty, something would occur to fill it back up. and that “something” wasn’t always rainwater from the leaky downpipe or overflowing gutters.

usually it was a new project, a mountain of fabric, a sale, a comment, a message or email, some lovely feedback, (even surprise cards & gifts!) that all reminded me how fortunate i am to be doing what i do, and that without my awesome customers it wouldn’t be possible.

ok, well, no. i’d still be doing this without you :p
but all this stuff ^ would be hidden under the bed in the spare room and i’d just be some crazy lady who watches supernatural in her pyjamas all day whilst tinkering with a sewing machine.

so thankYOU for that moment – at Husband’s work do for eg – where people politely ask, “and what do you do, fiona?”  and i can hold my head up high and smile and say “embroidered zombies.”

one of my favourite projects at the end of the year, was this set of 3 embroidered sketchbooks, commissioned by kerry for her friends – they’re all frequent visitors on my facebook page so it involved lots of sneaky and managing to keep my big mouth SHUT.

to say thankyou for sticking with fiona t., for your support and for buying stuff, (also, like a little bribe to make you stay) here is a

***GIVEAWAY***
the prize is that i’ll make the winner something nice. whatever they want**
(**DISCLAIMER: to keep it within the realms of reasonable & possible, it will be something very much like that ^ )

to enter: what was your highlight of 2013?
mine was our family holiday with mostly-recovered anakin dog, and getting sunburnt (!) in the north sea (!!) in late september (!!!)

the winner will probably be chosen at random by anakin.
competition closes on saturday the 11th of january at 12 noon.
i’ll post the winners name here, and be in touch shortly afterwards so we can discuss your prize.

thanks again, and good luck!

***edit: CONGRATULATIONS KAREN ADAMSON, i’ll be in touch soon to discuss your reward :)

83. the one with the fire

in my absence since my last post(s), i’ve just been doing a lot of mind-blogging.
i want to write stuff – but i haven’t had time or i’ve been too tired ‘n headachey to sit here – so i “write” in my head while i’m doing busy work, and i frequently look at things and imagine that i’d take pictures (if i had my camera to hand) and write about that stuff too.

it’s been a busy few months. especially inside of my brain.

but now i’ve reached a point where i feel like i can’t start 2014 properly until i’ve tidied up from 2013. so here:

(***and so that i can elicit maximum sympathy, it’s important for you to remember that all of these things were going on at the same time)

1. i was determined to stop sewing-work on november 1st so i’d have plenty of leisurely time to complete all of the other things i had to do… but as soon as i’d packed my machines away, i had loads of new ideas.
and with so many other things to avoid…

… i kept working & didn’t hang up my sewing hands until december 18th.

2. one of my very BFFs was in the UK for a couple of months so we wanted to squeeze in as much time together as we could *tick*
tea, chat, reminisces, films, late nights, lolz, wine, pub meals, belper’s winter food fair, more pub… *tick tick tick*

3. i seem to have contracted (crazy/senile/deaf/needy)collie-induced insomnia <– i feel qualified to make that medical diagnosis having watched seasons 1 – 8 of House, MD in 6 short weeks.
after enduring months & months of 2-hour bursts of sleeps i’m awfully tired and not always in the sunniest of moods (haha).
we’re still best pals though – she’s absolutely my favourite person ever :)

4. diy stuff. the main event. the end-of-year thing i’d been avoiding most.

after looking at this dusty, rusty monstrosity for 5+ years we could finally afford to replace it.

i’ve been tripping over that stupid hearth & looking at its stupid, ugly (badly fitted) broken tiles EVERY DAY.
hoovering up falling soot & Bits from the badly fitted fitted flue EVERY WEEK.
wet dusting each dimpled surface and stupid claw foot (erm.. LESS OFTEN) to keep the dust allergy at bay.
scowling at the maroon lead-painted patchwork of… of…? i don’t even know what the fuck was going on at the back.
and spiders! so many spiders in all of the rough and the holes.

the whole fireular area has been offending my eyes daily for the last 5 years AND WE COULDNT EVEN USE THE FIRE.

smashing things up is always really good fun for the first 3 or 4 hours

but then there’s awkward bits and hurty wrists and hammer-smashed knuckles and terrified collie and so much dust and then clean up. and then more clean up. and then getting everything bagged up & outside. and practising pathetic-face so the man delivering the skip takes pity on you…

after the old fire was out,

we spent daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays brick cleanering & scrubbering (the original brickwork was in a very bad state so it was very much an exercise in turd-polishin’).

and then more dust (old hearth 1 – sds drill 0)

and then more days cleaning & scrubbering and filling holes and repointing brickwork until we were ready for the professionals…

who were awesome; hard working and tidy, and good humoured about stepping in anakin’s little “gifts”

(if you look closely you can probably still see dog shit under his boots)

finally they were all done :)
and here she is, all $leek and gorg£ou$, ready for her maiden fire, ready for

5. christmas

shame about the rest of the room (work in progress)

82. the one with the elves

in 5 days time i’m hanging up my sewing hands for the year, packing up mah precious stuffs, and putting on my hardhat. it’s time to tend to my tumble down house & get on with the building works.

but before i start moaning blogging about DIY hardships again, i thought i’d post about my last sewing project of 2013 – festive christmas elves :)

(***this is not any kind of “how to” – please do not copy and PLEASE do not pin any of my photos onto effing pinterest. thanking you.)

when i was a kid… at christmas, we had these slightly cool / slightly creepy christmas elf decorations of mom’s that came out every year. (i think they were from germany from when she was a kid… mom? and pictures?)
anyway, my half-remembered mind-picture of them was my sort-of inspiration for these…

i knew before i started them, that they’d be my last project of the year, so it was a conscious decision to build them really, reeeeeally slowly and add all the teeny tiny details that make them so fun (for me to make).
instead of worrying that at 23746368576587 hours they weren’t really economically viable.

product development.
(although, tbf, i was also finishing off other projects during this time) = supernatural, season 5

(it’s hard to believe how much polyester fluff fits inside such a tiny creature!)

cutting & sticking.
(i spent EPISODES hours cutting out miniature eyeballs,buttons & little pink cheeks. i didn’t end up using the green buttons but i can’t bring myself to throw them away)

knitting & stitching.
once i’d made up the hat pattern, they were kind of addictive to knit – they looked so pretty in a heap :) i tend to hoard wool, so i had plenty to choose from – i think the teal ones were my favourite, a super luxurious merino / cashmere blend.
i made far more than i’d need = grimm, season 2

embroidering.
i screwed up loads of these at this stage – i blame senile collie dog (lack of sleep. for me.) and the winchesters (the end of season 5 is hectic).

there’s quite the sad little pile of unfinished rejects that didn’t make the ocd-cut

sewing.
by this point i was back in the zone. and *suddenly* part way through supernatural season 6

sometimes i have to do hand sewing at the window where there’s better light. i hate having my back to the tv. i had to suspend supernaturals while i did this bit.

making.
this is the worst part (if they don’t turn out right)
this is the best part (if they do turn out right)

accessories.
teeny tiny backpacks for elves to carry gifts of chocolate = house, md season 1

finished! elves have occurred!

i’d hoped to watch supernatural seasons 7 & 8 too… i wonder if i should make a few more elves before ripping out the fireplace?