remember my last post?
well right after i hit ‘publish’, like, IMMEDIATELY after i pressed the button, i rolled my chair back and looked up.
in this house, you should never look up.
“hmm… what is that tiny little crack doing up there?” *poke*
“oh f***! HUSBAND! the whole motherf***ing ceiling is about to fall down! the plaster is no longer attached to anything. it’s all bowed & crumbly… it’s only held together by emulsion!”
would you like to see some more of my salted wounds?
remember when my sewing room looked like this for about 2 minutes last summer?
it makes me sad because all of the hard word will be trashed when we deal with it. again.
just hovering there above my head, reminding me that i cannot possibly do all of the things. whooshing arctic and other crap (woodlice & mysterious gold flakes & soot & DUST) around my head and ankles everytime i use the bathroom. constantly SHOWING ME that i am wasting my time (cleaning / trying to stay warm / breathing…)
it makes me sad because …FFS … you know?
i don’t know if it’s socially acceptable to say you’ve suffered from depression in the past?
i’ve already written about how i’m obsessive, i’m agoraphobic & i’m prone to panic attacks, so i don’t think it’s a secret?
i’m mostly okay now, but every so often, usually around this time of year (when winter has gone on long enough and it’s just grey grey grey) it comes back to give me a little prod, to remind me that it’s still there. waiting.
and i’ve been naughty, complacent. the coffee, cigarettes & chips diet is not so good for more than a few days at a time. nor is lack of sleep, or functioning on adrenaline (grey)day after (grey)day.
and i’ve been ill. and throw in the house fail frustrations…
…and then eventually anxiety (about every possible thing) gets too much, irrational meltdown follows and lying on the floor crying occurs.
Husband: “tea or coffee?”
“i don’t know i don’t knooooowwww i don’t know anything i can’t choose because i’m such a useless human being i’ll pick wrong why are you making me choose WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??!!” ( <– as an example. i would always pick tea. duh)
i know how stupid & pathetic & self indulgent it probably sounds from outside. but whatevs.
fortunately, i have a better support network than i did 10 years ago (that is code for: i have so many mental friends now that when it’s my turn to be the crazy one it’s no big thing). and i’m better skillularly at doing the things that i know will help me.
and i have my sewing (therapy).
last week, i had to switch off all of the internets and stop beating myself up about all of the fails and impossibles. i needed quiet & alone, and i needed the equivalent of a comfort blanket and chicken soup.
i’m doing much better today :)
all i need now is a sunlight?