because i don’t watch actual television, i’m pretty much unaware of any of the things that are Things.
so maybe you have heard of paul hollywood? or his tv show that was on (a show about bread?) something something *vague* something? but i had not.
not a clue.
Mom, however, had been watching avidly, and was enthralled by it – exciting, delicious, rustic, sexy breads!
so enthused, she bought his book. and then went back for copies each for sal & i, because we love to bake and make stuff too. i couldn’t wait to have a go!
how to make GREAT breads, it says.
but here is the experience of a completely incompetent bread retard:
i’d successfully (possibly*) weighed the flour – 500g was an easy amount of strong white.
but after adding the salt (“oh god but there’s so much!?”) and yeast (“no! that cannot be correct, fiona”) i suspected i had got something wrong.
H: 10g is 0.25oz, so I’d say the third red line. (I am presuming there is a little red line behind the black marker thingy)
fiona: please can we stick to black? (and yes there is)
do you count each of the lines as “one” regardless of their length?
H: Starting at where it says 5kg, count three little black lines.
R: use a spoon (look for ml conversion to grams per product online and then use a baking spoon )
*already panicking slightly at this point – none of the measuring words are making the slightest bit of sense to me. how do people know this stuff??!*
fiona: look, i need 10g of salt & 7g of yeast. i don’t have *anything* bakingish, apart from a small cup that says 62ml.
liquids will be my next Q – my pyrex jug starts at 100. and i need 40. how?
H: Don’t know about the liquids… do you mean 40ml?
because if that’s the case, can’t you just fill your small 62ml cup up to about a third? And shouldn’t the yeast come in packs and tell you how many grams in the package?
fiona: it’s in a small tin?
H: Probably measure to the 2nd little black line?
fiona: wait now. is 0.5 in black = “500g” or “half of a 1kg”
fiona: so each of those long black lines is 25g?
what is quarters of 25g? that cannot be possible.
H: are they? No, wouldn’t they be 100g?
fiona: i still need to divide 4 short black lines into 100g to know what each short black line means?
H: so if the big black line is 100g, then each little line would be 33.33333333333 g?
fiona: i think each tiny black line might = 25g?
H: Oh yeah!! you divide each bit into 4!! YES you are right!
Shit, finding 10g and 7g is going to be tricky though, yes?
at this point i realise i’ve added 25g of salt (instead of 10g) and … well, more than 7g of yeast. i attempt to spoon it back out of my strong white.
H: Do you have more accurate scales?
fiona: no because these ones are red & shiny. i think i just need little spoons with numbers on. *back to kitchen*
L: my yeast comes in 7g packets – I could send you some. Would it be too late?
very too late.
C: 10g = 2 x teaspoon. too small to weigh.
S: One half of each of the shorter lines is 10g as they are each 20g chunks of 100g… You’re very welcome I’ll be round later for bread and butter.
*by this point i was more confused than ever, doubting if i’d even got “500g of flour” right. but it was too late to turn back*
and even though it halved – rather than doubled – in size while it was proving, doesn’t it look like a GREAT BREAD??!! :D
1. the other side looked like this
like the Great Bread was eating the Crap Bread.
oh, and 2. it was solid like a brick.
Husband: “a very tasty brick!”