i can’t decide where to bathe this evening.
too many options!
(subtitle: “the one where the bathroom does not occur.” in fact, i’ll hardly mention the bathroom at all)
a few years ago i painted the landing outside our bedroom.
typically, the job was never really finished because the shelf didn’t want to go back on the crumbly walls, and with nowhere to stack overflow books (we have a system), we just stuffed things into the cupboard, crammed it into boxes, progressed to “tidy piles”… before it inevitably deteriorated into a general dumping area for everything.
if only there was some way of fixing that shelf to the wall
meanwhile, we’d booked the builders to come and sort out our bathroom.
much excitement! for the first time we were paying actual proper professionals to come and do an actual proper job – no personal faff or injuries or lengthy incovenience(s).
i knew i couldn’t keep up the sewing part of my life if i couldn’t potter about in Clean & wash my hands obsessively throughout the day, so i decided to shut down for the month BACK IN FEBRUARY.
and because, hey! that’d give me time out to sort all the crap on the landing and fix the shelf!
i might as well be thorough with the 40 years worth of “treasure” that needed sorting
i might as well paint the wooden cupboard as i’ve been wanting to do for years
i might as well fix the hairline cracks on the old plaster
i might as well give the walls a fresh coat of paint
while i’m at it.
1. stupid, annoying little things that can wrong… for eg, i’d done far too good a job on that damn cupboard the first time round – so smooth and glowing with wax, it wouldn’t take a coat of paint despite litres of thinners and all of the sanding.
careful application of masking tape to protect the precious carpet stripped lengths of new paintwork off when it did adhere.
the hinges no longer fitted when i reconstructed the thing.
let alone the doors.
2. being my own worst enemy… for eg, adding additional hurdles. oh hey, the shed’s a bit of a mess after 12 years of hoarding every building supply ever, let’s hire a skip and spend the entire weekend clearing it out so we can go inside of the door again.
oh hey, since i’m in painting mode anyway, shall we buy that chest of drawers for the bedroom that we’ve been talking about forever?
3. everything just being awkward… for eg, not having anywhere to work… apart from on the floor beside and/or at the foot of the bed, woodwork arranged on top of lengths of christmas wrapping paper so we could drag sticky wet painty things aside and step over the towers of stuff-from-on-the-landing crap just to get into bed at night.
meanwhile, additional surprise hurdles
“hi, your new front door is fiiiiiiinally ready to be fitted”
^ the “after” picture is the one on the right. the one where the door isn’t entirely held together by mould, daylight & gripfill. just in case you weren’t sure.
*chaotic frenzy of doing all the things at once* <– incidently, this is the moment i decided i ought to start blogging again :)
to summarise then; all i had intended to do this month was fit a shelf that was strong enough to store a few books and comics upon.
FURTHERMORE i was only doing that as a filler job while the builders were here constructing my new bathroom.
to be continued? *hopeful*
on a day by day (or hour by hour) basis, during regular normal life, my ‘mazing mood swings look like this
and for the most part, i enjoy the ride.
but when actual depression takes hold, i get stuck under the horizontal axis of the graph, thus:
everything and nothing conspire against me and i’m trapped, tap-tapping along the bottom there, still looking for a way back up but… exhaustion, apathy, irrational thoughts, agoraphobia…
i’ve been bouncing off the meh-line for the last couple of years which has been good
(like, who/whatever had been standing on me finally climbed off.
like, doing simple tasks didn’t take all day every day nor require every bit of willpower and stamina that i had.
like, having a rest from the crazy so i could just get on and do *something*)
and it was also useful, as most of 2014 was dedicated to end of life care for my beloved anakin collie.
anakin was my very best pal and constant companion during the last 15+ years, so to say 2014 was “hard” is an understatement. also, Husband ‘n i had put Eveything Else on hold, so 2014 was some kind of miserable limbo.
wait, it wasn’t like everything was shit! there was happy times and plentiful good things and so many extraordinary kindnesses – but it was haaaaaaard. and ever so limbo-y.
and after she died, everything was weird and different and peculiar for a long time
which was getting kinda boring and so very frustrating because
and i’m looking forward to feeling things, and getting on with all of the things, new & old, because
“ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too” – bubbles, off of the wire.