on a day by day (or hour by hour) basis, during regular normal life, my ‘mazing mood swings look like this
and for the most part, i enjoy the ride.
but when actual depression takes hold, i get stuck under the horizontal axis of the graph, thus:
everything and nothing conspire against me and i’m trapped, tap-tapping along the bottom there, still looking for a way back up but… exhaustion, apathy, irrational thoughts, agoraphobia…
i’ve been bouncing off the meh-line for the last couple of years which has been good
(like, who/whatever had been standing on me finally climbed off.
like, doing simple tasks didn’t take all day every day nor require every bit of willpower and stamina that i had.
like, having a rest from the crazy so i could just get on and do *something*)
and it was also useful, as most of 2014 was dedicated to end of life care for my beloved anakin collie.
anakin was my very best pal and constant companion during the last 15+ years, so to say 2014 was “hard” is an understatement. also, Husband ‘n i had put Eveything Else on hold, so 2014 was some kind of miserable limbo.
wait, it wasn’t like everything was shit! there was happy times and plentiful good things and so many extraordinary kindnesses – but it was haaaaaaard. and ever so limbo-y.
and after she died, everything was weird and different and peculiar for a long time
which was getting kinda boring and so very frustrating because
and i’m looking forward to feeling things, and getting on with all of the things, new & old, because
“ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too” – bubbles, off of the wire.