86. the one where i stopped. and then start.

on a day by day (or hour by hour) basis, during regular normal life, my ‘mazing mood swings look like this


and for the most part, i enjoy the ride.

but when actual depression takes hold, i get stuck under the horizontal axis of the graph, thus:
everything and nothing conspire against me and i’m trapped, tap-tapping along the bottom there, still looking for a way back up but… exhaustion, apathy, irrational thoughts, agoraphobia…

then! magical anti depressants:

i’ve been bouncing off the meh-line for the last couple of years which has been good
(like, who/whatever had been standing on me finally climbed off.
like, doing simple tasks didn’t take all day every day nor require every bit of willpower and stamina that i had.
like, having a rest from the crazy so i could just get on and do *something*)
and it was also useful, as most of 2014 was dedicated to end of life care for my beloved anakin collie.

me & annie

anakin was my very best pal and constant companion during the last 15+ years, so to say 2014 was “hard” is an understatement. also, Husband ‘n i had put Eveything Else on hold, so 2014 was some kind of miserable limbo.

wait, it wasn’t like everything was shit! there was happy times and plentiful good things and so many extraordinary kindnesses – but it was haaaaaaard. and ever so limbo-y.
and after she died, everything was weird and different and peculiar for a long time

but 2015 arrived and for ages my graph has mostly been like

which was getting kinda boring and so very frustrating because
things occurring!

so i’m taking a chance off the pills

and i’m looking forward to feeling things, and getting on with all of the things, new & old, because
things occurring!

but i will miss this special face every day <3
annie teatime

“ain’t no shame in holding on to grief, as long as you make room for other things too” – bubbles, off of the wire.


23 thoughts on “86. the one where i stopped. and then start.

  1. I’m so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Anakin. I can so relate to your emotional uppy downy ricoshi ricosh*t ricocheting journey. Anti deps didn’t agree with me either so I ride the dragon too. Love from me and Rigby, he sends licky licks.

    • thankyou for still being here! *happy surprise*
      i know that you know all of the things, and love to rigby – is he still doing a good job? i bet he is :)

      • It is our pleasure! Indeed he is, he is vunderful, I love him so! 😍
        wishing you much strength and happiness 😊

  2. I’ve missed your blog posts, but understand why – I totally get the ‘meh’. Sending a million hugs and hope that coming off the anti-d’s is okay. I tried it at the end of last year but it didn’t work so I’m back on them with a vengeance! It’ll take a while for the grief too so look after yourself xxxxxx

    • enjoying feeling all of the feelings (good & bad) has probably lulled me into a false sense of tightrope security… ;)
      but i won’t hesistate next time if i need the net.

      i hope your net continues to be strong and bounces you back up again soonest x

  3. Your use of graphs is awesomeness and something I wished I had thought of doing when trying to explain to peoples just what exactly are my feelings. Currently my depression is in my terms in recession, it’s currently behaving itself and has done for about 3-4 years now, without pills!!! It’s an amazing sensation feeling everything now, I was meh for so long. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, it is possible to manage without meds and I send you lots of hugs and a great big you can do it. Anakin will always be with you and right by your side as you take these big steps. Now go forth and kick some ass, be it zombie or another type of ass!! I prefer vampire but zombies are right there for an ass kicking too ;) now stick 2 fingers up to depression and say f you I will win xxx we’re all here for you hun, all your fans as I’m sure are your family xxx

    • thankyou imogen :) i know precisely what you mean.
      it took many years for the horizontal axis to finally get me again, so i aspire to manage “it” now like you’re doing. to enjoy the soaring happies and endure anything below the meh line with hope.

      (i’m totally cheating on the zombies with vampires at the moment – listening to my stories on audible while i paint woodwork. and as proof that anakin will always be with me… i’m still picking dog fur out of the wet paint :) )

  4. I am so not liking tech at the moment :-(
    I was soooo happy at seeing you blogging again that I composed a big long rambling comment……but then I couldn’t remember my password so had to reset it. And then groceries were delivered. And fiddly lasagne had to be cooked…. and now the ramble has disappeared up the ether 😢

    But the joy of your return has not gone….

  5. Very happy to see you writing again! I hope you manage to stay on the upward path of the Meh State, and may you rise and rise (to an acceptable level – wouldn’t wish mania on you!) I hope your meds weaning goes really well, and if you need me to throw an occasional picture or two of sunny days let me know, I have too many of those at the moment (yes, I’m actually complaining of too much sun. I miss London weather!)

    Big hugs xx

    • thanks leonor!
      i am squishing down the mania by sitting on it.
      by sitting on the couch. by eating cheesecake and watching stuff and not hardly even knitting socks!

      enjoy your sunny days – you’ll be back under the grey before you know it ;)

  6. I can relate to so much of this. I’ve been boinging all over the graph for a few years now. I lost my soulmate kitty Noddy almost a year ago, so this year has been especially ugh. Your quote at the end makes total sense!

  7. You did a blog thing! I’m so glad – I’ve missed your posts; but I do understand why and how you were too busy to blog. Life is more important and sometimes we have to live it and deal with all the stuff – so there’s no time for posting reflections about it all.

    I also know what you mean about the highs, lows & the “meh line” (great way to explain it btw & I so love those graphs).  Hopefully Spring and things will lift us both above “meh”.  Keep up the great work there!

    I still miss Sherlock the cat, even after two years, even though Tommy now lives here with us and is so sweet and lovely.  There’s so much that’s good to remember though. We still find ourselves saying “Remember when….?” and ” Sherlock used to…” quite a lot, but there is usually a comfortable warmth of feeling in those rememberings. 
    Anakin was a Special and Wonderful Person – but, you know, she still IS! 

    So happy to see you back in the bloggiverse. Your post has cheered up a down-in-the-pit moment tonight.  X Hugs! 

    • you’re exactly right, liz :)
      thankyou for your cheerleading messages & thoughts during the past 12 months – such kind boosts toward the “normal” line when everything felt so bleak.

  8. I’m so glad you blogged but so, so sad about Anakin :( I hope coming off meds goes OK and spring continues to pull you into the top half of your graph. I’m generally a meh upwards person, in a hopefully not totally irritating kind of way, but life is trying very hard to keep me at meh and below….I met a friend today who I haven’t seen for well over a year, despite her only living 15 mins away (because I’m so anti-social right now) and we both laughed ourselves silly at the joy that has been my life since we spoke, starting at my separation last year and now finally the divorce and ending with Felix breaking his arm at school Friday and a whole heap of shit in-between. I figure life has to be on the up now….I hope, anyway! Look forward to having you back on blogworld. Bethx

    • hello! & holy crap, beth :///
      i’d minimised my internetting so much (a coping with all the things thing), that not only have not written, i’ve not been reading either – i’ve missed (so much)you!

      well. the year is only just beginning (it only counts as 2015 once the clocks go forward, right?) so here’s to both of us having a meh-to-middling one.
      average seems like a good place to aim for.
      looking forward to a massive reading catch up… (when i stop zigzagging all over the place and can sit still! ;) )

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