60. the one with all of my crack

remember my last post?
well right after i hit ‘publish’, like, IMMEDIATELY after i pressed the button, i rolled my chair back and looked up.
in this house, you should never look up.

skyfall
“hmm… what is that tiny little crack doing up there?”  *poke*
“oh f***! HUSBAND! the whole motherf***ing ceiling is about to fall down! the plaster is no longer attached to anything. it’s all bowed & crumbly… it’s only held together by emulsion!”

it made me sad, because all of this hard work will become trashed when we deal with it. again.
computer cupboard

would you like to see some more of my salted wounds?
remember when my sewing room looked like this for about 2 minutes last summer?
fiona t empire

and then we put the central heating on for winter, and the house moved a bit, and then this:
crack
the entire length of the motherf***ing wall.
not even held together with paint.

it makes me sad because all of the hard word will be trashed when we deal with it. again.

and then there is still thisno ceiling

just hovering there above my head, reminding me that i cannot possibly do all of the things. whooshing arctic and other crap (woodlice & mysterious gold flakes & soot & DUST) around my head and ankles everytime i use the bathroom. constantly SHOWING ME that i am wasting my time (cleaning / trying to stay warm / breathing…)

it makes me sad because …FFS … you know?

i don’t know if it’s socially acceptable to say you’ve suffered from depression in the past?
i’ve already written about how i’m obsessive, i’m agoraphobic & i’m prone to panic attacks, so i don’t think it’s a secret?
i’m mostly okay now, but every so often, usually around this time of year (when winter has gone on long enough and it’s just grey grey grey) it comes back to give me a little prod, to remind me that it’s still there. waiting.

and i’ve been naughty, complacent. the coffee, cigarettes & chips diet is not so good for more than a few days at a time. nor is lack of sleep, or functioning on adrenaline (grey)day after (grey)day.
and i’ve been ill. and throw in the house fail frustrations…
…and then eventually anxiety (about every possible thing) gets too much, irrational meltdown follows and lying on the floor crying occurs.

Husband: “tea or coffee?”
“i don’t know i don’t knooooowwww i don’t know anything i can’t choose because i’m such a useless human being i’ll pick wrong why are you making me choose WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??!!”  ( <– as an example. i would always pick tea. duh)

i know how stupid & pathetic & self indulgent it probably sounds from outside. but whatevs.
fortunately, i have a better support network than i did 10 years ago (that is code for: i have so many mental friends now that when it’s my turn to be the crazy one it’s no big thing). and i’m better skillularly at doing the things that i know will help me.
and i have my sewing (therapy).

last week, i had to switch off all of the internets and stop beating myself up about all of the fails and impossibles. i needed quiet & alone, and i needed the equivalent of a comfort blanket and chicken soup.

comfort blanket:
mscl

chicken soup:
fiona t zombie easter rabbits

i’m doing much better today :)
all i need now is a sunlight?

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27 thoughts on “60. the one with all of my crack

  1. Uggh I love the look of old house but they can be a pain. I hope it is a quick clean up and mend.

    I wish I could sent you lots of sun, to get rid of these dreary day. Winter has seemed to go on for every now.

  2. Don’t want to like this episode – not good. Dust and dirt and soot and cracks are bad news. Coupled with cold and rain and grey and snow = everyone grumpy. I’ll second that m’dear xx

  3. With that lot going on around you I probably wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning!!! – old houses are lovely when they work – trouble is they’re old and arthritic and no sooner do you get over the hip operation then the knee replacement beckons – I still wouldn’t like to live in a modern box though. Keep up the ‘therapy’ – I know it works – my original day job for 20 something years (until I took up driving a computer round a desk) was as an occupational therapist in a psychiatric hospital – bargain – I got to do all the creative things I love doing with lots of great people and it was ‘work’. As you know I love the products of your ‘therapy’, it must be time for a fix soon, someone will be having a birthday I’m sure.

    • thanks elaine <3
      great analogy – and yup, no matter what, at no point do i feel like turning off the machine. i will stubbornly stand here mopping its brow (sometimes literally) until it gets better! :)

  4. poor you!
    ” Husband: “tea or coffee?”
    “i don’t know i don’t knooooowwww i don’t know anything i can’t choose because i’m such a useless human being i’ll pick wrong why are you making me choose WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??!!” ( <– as an example. i would always pick tea. duh) "
    This is totally me! my poor husband gets the brunt of it when i can't make a simple decision. you are not alone there!
    All we can do is keep plodding on until the sun arrives, then there are many more smiles and less crazy wife!

  5. thankyou all so much for your comments, for being able to relate and/or understand.

    i was thinking about what i wrote last night… and it’s not so much the dreary list of *actual* things that makes depression occur, is it? it’s more like the dreary list becomes debilitating which stops you from doing the practical things you *need* to do to NOT be depressed.

    practical things, such as ‘my so called life’ and zombie rabbits :)

  6. Sorry to hear of all the mentals etc. but I am more concerned with the state of your bathroom ceiling! Can you rig up some kind of catchall thingy? Mosquito netting, prettily draped of course, a few bows and beads to enhance – if you have time – hmmm?? It could be crucial to the delivery of your Easter eggs next week!!

    • mom, you are MOST welcome to drape bows & tat when you visit next week. i will lend you safety goggles for the task. and also for if you would like a bath while you’re here.

      *hoping my “easter egg” will be timbers, kingspan & plasterboard*

  7. Grrrrrr, bad house, send it to the naughty step!! Hate it when things just pile up on us. J (eldest boy) is having this problem at the moment. Thing is, eight year olds are even less well equipped to deal with it than us adults and we know how hard it is for us. They don’t warn you when you have kids that you might have to help them cope with depression. (How?)

    • ugh – poor you guys! i don’t think i even knew what it was when i was really young – i can remember telling mum i just felt “cryish”, and like, for no reason at all.

      in addition to teen angst serieses from the early 90’s, i find eating properly, good sleep, exercise, fresh air and making crazy detailed lists of practical / action things to do is what helps me?

      x

  8. Saying we are all thinking of you doesnt really help but we are and you are not alone and if I could bring you some plasterboard (on payday obviously!) I would be there in a shot. Like the idea of a net thingy – got a spare large ikea round bed net thingy you are more than welcome to keep you and mum dust free in the bath xxxx

    • haha! & thankyou :)

      i think it’s just something to be endured until you come out the other side?
      and i think i’m doing that already or i wouldn’t’ve written about it (i’d still be lying in a puddle of (sooty) tears) x

  9. You’re having a crappy time then. My husb suffers from depression, he’s also having a rough time at the moment, this time of year really sucks and I know living in a half finished house doesn’t help. We’ve still got loads to do here, but we do have all ceilings/walls in place and full heating this winter and once you get to that stage it really is only up, so I hope you get there soon. Roll on Spring. Bethx

    • thanks beth, that means a lot considering what you’ve gone through this year x
      i hope your husband comes out of “it” soon too. i most hate not being able to laugh at all of the fails, once i can see the ridiculous i know i(t)’ll all be okay.
      yes – roll on spring, and all the warmth & daylight & enthusiasm for EVERYTHING that it brings!

  10. I salted my children’s mac n’ cheese with my own tears tonight. And my ceiling ain’t even cracked. (Popcorned, yes. Very tacky but not cracked.) Thank you for sharing your all your coolness, and down and outed-ness, too. It ain’t all rainbows and unicorns, that’s for sure. Here’s to better days. And ceilings and walls and all that other stuff.

  11. I can’t help with much other than to perhaps instigate a Sun Dance to make this godforsaken eternal Narnia winter end. But I will tell you that Mysterious Gold Flakes also fell out of our bathroom ceiling when the Great Collapse occured. I originally thought maybe that someone had hidden the treasure of the sierra madre in my bathroom ceiling but then I realised that that was unlikely and that actually it was some sort of insulation. Although why they bother to paint it gold I don’t know.

  12. Sorry to hear of your rough time, I sympathise. I am aspie and have had a rather rough time myself, depression and coping with years of abuse from my mother. Anyways, I have a fab hubby who hauls me up, dusts me off and helps me on my way again. If I’m not up to that he’ll lay beside me til its time for the hauling. I would be lost without him. I am much better at looking after myself these days which helps a lot. But I still fall down the hole sometimes. Your blogs do make me smile, (not the sad bits obvs! ) I suppose I’m trying to say you’re not alone and we can keep doing our best to hold our heads up and if not enjoy blanket, pjs, chocolate and tea. Look after yourself xx

    • thanks helen x
      i always mean to “embrace” the bad days, guilt-free, with lovely comforting things – but tend to push on, regardless of how i’m feeling, to meet the ridiculous deadlines i set myself. and then end up further down the hole than if i’d just given in to it in the first place!
      everything’s bearable if you can keep a sense of humour about it though, right? and Tomorrow is always a clean slate. (although mine is probably cracked right through) ;)

      • Tbh my homeopath has helped me sooooo much. But I kind of understand the lows a bit more and I’m not so frightened I’m not going to be able to climb back up. Do ’embrace’ it does work better :O) I’m in total agreement about the gsoh, I’d had gone under long before now without it xx

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